Do you like reading writing that rambles like a senator filibustering to block a vote? If you need some NoDoz before you read a work, it’s obviously a little weak.
“Punchy” writing gets people’s attention, however, it can, but doesn’t necessarily need to clobber them. It keeps them reading, an important aspect of selling ideas, products, or services. (For more information on this topic, read my e-newsletter.) But, it’s easy to get lazy and not want to put the effort in, however, a lack of effort can show. Here’s an example of weak writing, followed by a stronger counterpart:
“Off-base Solutions, LLC is a multi-disciplined real estate consulting firm serving a variety of industries and project types. Since its inception in 1986, Off-base has been committed to offering best-in-class consulting services to contractors, owners and financial institutions. Specializing but not limited to construction, loss mitigation and site acquisition consulting, Off-base’s philosophy is to strategically assess and report the facts of each project and to consult clients with informative information. We assist our clients by providing impartiality and a deeper industry understanding resulting in real solutions to complicated real estate related problems.”
Major reasons why it’s weak:
- cliches (best-in-class)
- overuse of big words (assist, strategically, etc.)
- too many unnecessary words (informative)
- lack of specific words
A stronger approach:
“Since 1996, Off-base Solutions, LLC has been committed to delivering best-in-class real estate consulting services to contractors, property owners, and financial institutions.
Specializing in — but not limited to — site clean-up, construction, loss mitigation, and acquisition consulting, Off-base assesses facts fairly based on evidence and experience. The results give our clients a deeper understanding of their problems and reveal solutions for improving their operations and increasing their revenue.” (And a link to testimonials or case studies of successful client transactions would provide evidence to back up these claims.)
It doesn’t take much to add a dash of sass to your copy to bring it more to life. If you lack time or the skills, I’m ready to help, so don’t hesitate to contact me for a free consultation.
What do you think? Which one is better? How would you change this passage?
